i hate it when other people meddle into someone else's business. ok,maybe i am just pissed that my lola told on my mom about me smoking. dang! she could have just told me and ill stop smoking. what am i ? a teenager? well at least now i know that my lola's a sumbungera.

 my mom called me up and started making her sermon. ghad! i really hate it when she gets mad at me. she says these things that makes me feel bad and guilty. coz shes not usually the type to get mad.argh! now i hate myself for making her feel bad.

guilty. thats what i am. and im sorry.

friday night.and im here at home blogging @ bab's laptop. im bored. ive always looked forward going out on weekends coz i am stuck at home alone all week long. and the only days i got to go out and have fun is on weekends. so higschool. owel. and right now, babs doesnt want to go out. so he got me stuck on his laptop blogging on nonsens things.haaayy.

i need to go OUT..

i admit. I AM HOMESICK. a phone call from my dad brought tears. i miss my room. my tv. my albums and journals i left behind. somebodys using my room now and it feels weird. Somehow, even if i know that it take some time before i could go home, i still want to come home where everything is still in its place. as it is. right where i left it.

my heart still belongs to home. to 'pinas. right there in BF. =)

Attached.

As a kid, every time I get a new toy, it will become my 'new' favorite. Old toys would be forgotten and left behind or else be broken. And up until now, I haven't grown out of that habit. Every time I buy a new pair of shoes, or a new top, I would wear them everyday or until it has to go the laundry. I have this certain attachment with things. I guess most of us have problems with attachment. Be it with people, habits, and hobbies. Attachment plays with our emotions that sometimes it screws us up. With habits--usually this attachment of ours to doing certain things becomes an addiction. Like alcohol, drugs, etc. I don't believe there is such as some others would say as a "good addiction". Addiction to anything is unacceptable. Period.

Attachment to people--both physical and emotional. Meeting new friends is hard. Keeping them is harder.  I've been with my friends now for a decade and more. Shared secrets with them, played pranks with them. Laughed and cried with them. I was with them almost everyday that I stand breathing in this world that we call life. Family was also a big part of my life. Taught me everything I need to know to survive life. And boyfriends who have loved me, hated me, made me cry, made me happy in ways only in 'our' world could be done. And yes, with every single person ive met and have stayed close to me, I have become attached. I would want them to be physically there,  spend time with me, give me presents, share conversations, actually anything that would make me feel that I am 'with' them.

Others would say attachment is very much similar to commitment. I don't think so. I'd say that there's closeness to these ideas, and a very thin line at that. Commitment is a good thing. Attachment also. But what happens if commitment ends? Are attachments supposed to end too? And if not, would attachment just make things more complicated? Making it hard to move on?

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I miss my friends. i miss pinas.

a long road so it seems. it has always been the same sights for me. i know my stops pretty well. know every hump and bump on it. until the road suddenly ended, and i came upon a crossroad. i had to stop for i didnt know where to go. good thing the traffic light turned red. STOP. and now, the hard part. choices presented itself. accomodating one would lead me somewhere. though i still dont know where. but which one should i choose? and even as i make my decision i have to take into consideration the people around me. im about to make a very big decision. one that could lead me to my utopian dream. in a few seconds now, the light will turn green. and ill have to make a turn when it does. GO.

until fate turns up with another crossroad, ill be driving on this new road and make it my own for now.

"You have freedom of choice, but not freedom from choice." -- Wendell Jones 

june 13, 2007. 21:40

2 weeks have passed..still no work. reunited with mom and my sister and bonj. it hasnt sunk in yet. the idea of us actually staying here and working our asses off in a different setting altogether actually scares me. but i have to force myself to grow up and stop being lax about everything. one thing for sure, i do have a strong faith in God. eventually, we'll get the hang of this. and everything will be great. just like we wanted it to be..

its starting. the plans we have both made is now on its first stage. the sad stage of saying 'goodbye'. its going to take awhile before i let go of certain things. i thought im already used to these kind of things, and would certainly know how to handle them. i had my own share of saying goodbyes to my friends and family. i tried not to show weakness and wiped my tears the same time they start to dwell up in my eyes. i had given 'speeches' of the moments we shared, said my thank you's in a very composed manner. i let them feel my sadness about them leaving but not letting on too much. i was the strong one after all.

but not yesterday.

i cried like a preschooler being left behind by her mom on her first day at school. as i see my friends around me, laughing and crying and then laughing again, i couldnt help myself burst into tears. they were there sharing my last few days in pinas with me. and it touched me so much. they were there sharing stories about me, about us-- from the silly things, to the more serious stuff. and 'leaving' them behind was such a sad thought.i just realized..im going to miss days and nights like this. they're definitely one in a miliion.

I didn't know I would be one of them. I have hated them. and to  admit that I have become one of them is rather embarrassing. One of those partners who couldn't stop giggling and loosely say "forever" to each other. Those partners that have seemingly outlined and have built a future around each other obsessively. Even to the point of wedding details and how many kids they were going to have.  They have always frightened me. You see, I was once in relationship with this kind of a partner. And I never once uttered the word "forever" to him and never saw our future as far as weddings so to speak. But don't judge me yet. I don't go into a relationship thinking that it will end soon or it wont last. I just don't want to expect so much so I just don't look too far ahead. And being in this kind of relationship, I felt like a captive. Its like my future has already been laid out for me and all I have to do is follow. And it sucks.

But then again, I didn't know I would be one of them.

I have honestly misjudged them. and I was wrong. Maybe at that time of my life I haven't met the right person yet. But now, I think I have. And I believe this time, I have uttered "forever"--though not all the time. And having kids and wedding details are still not part of discussions. And all that feeling of captivity that I felt with my ex were just mind games. No one can set our future for us but ourselves. And presently, I can proudly say that I wouldnt want my future without him in it. For I have felt in him the love and care I have never felt with anyone else. I dont want to look too far ahead coz I might jinx it, but Im too happy to stop myself from doing so.I just cant stop it. The spell that others have believed to be cast by love is now all over me and I cant seem to fight it. or maybe i just dont want to.

I didn't know I would be one of them.. but damn proud to be.

i love you. happy 3rd!

ill be straight to the point. im not trying to be rude or anything. but please hear my prayer. i need to get out of here. i need to be in the US by next week. not for any other reasons but for myself. not for erwin, but for myself. i have been lax too long now. and i need to start my life asap.i need to find work. and make a living for myself. so please hear my prayer and let me leave on the 13th.....

thank you.